So it's been a while since I posted anything on here, but with the way I feel right this moment in time I needed a space to write it all, a release.
This is not a post with a photo I retook 12 times, touched up and edited to make it look the way I feel it's supposed to look. This is a real post about real emotions, emotions which I, along with so many others, experience on a day to day basis and live with, usually in silence.
The past few days have been a combination of anxiety and mild panic. Nothing so bad I've had a full on panic attack, but enough that I could feel it there, building in the background. It's as if the phone never stops buzzing, the cars outside never stop running past, the people at work never stop judging and talking behind your back and everything just becomes too much, its all just too... Thats the only way I can describe it...just too...
My mind is racing through a million different possibilities, each one more terrifying than the next, and although the distraction of the world outside can make this stop for a while and force my mind to focus on something else; the struggle to enter that outside world, that reality, becomes ever more present and all consuming.
Do you ever just lay in bed in the morning and struggle to get up? And I don't mean from tiredness or because it would be nice to have an extra 5 minutes to snooze. But because the weight of the world is crushing you, pushing you down, pinning you to the bed and try a you might, you can't get up?
My dad always used to tell us how easy it is to stop someone moving if you apply pressure in the right places. Push on their forehead, just lightly, and they can't get up. They physically cannot lift their head to get up. All that from the lightest of touches.
That's what its like inside my head. The lightest of touches is all it needs and I can't raise my head, try as I might. No matter how hard I struggle or push or force my every energy into that one survival instinct, get up and get out.
This doesn't make us weak, those who are held by this touch. A child could hold a man with one finger, so long as he knew where to apply the pressure. It is simply a case of finding the point and baring down on it so as to incapacitate but not destroy.
That is what depression and anxiety do so well, they find your point and they bare down with no regard for the lightest of touches. They may even give you a few days off, maybe a week, maybe a month, but they never forget just where to apply that pressure to pin you down whenever they desire...
I don't know if anyone will read this, or if it would make sense to anyone but me. But I wanted to write this down now; right as I was feeling it, right as it is about to bare down on me the moment I turn off this screen and stop pushing against it so as to write this post.
If this is you tonight, you are not alone. We are not born into this world alone and I refuse to believe we exit it alone either. There is always someone there, even in the darkest times; it's just a case of waiting until your eyes adjust x
This doesn't make us weak, those who are held by this touch. A child could hold a man with one finger, so long as he knew where to apply the pressure. It is simply a case of finding the point and baring down on it so as to incapacitate but not destroy.
That is what depression and anxiety do so well, they find your point and they bare down with no regard for the lightest of touches. They may even give you a few days off, maybe a week, maybe a month, but they never forget just where to apply that pressure to pin you down whenever they desire...
I don't know if anyone will read this, or if it would make sense to anyone but me. But I wanted to write this down now; right as I was feeling it, right as it is about to bare down on me the moment I turn off this screen and stop pushing against it so as to write this post.
If this is you tonight, you are not alone. We are not born into this world alone and I refuse to believe we exit it alone either. There is always someone there, even in the darkest times; it's just a case of waiting until your eyes adjust x
